When people get married, they vow to protect and be truthful to each other. Marriage is a promise, and trust is vital for such a relationship. Being truthful to each other is more than simply not lying. Being truthful in your relationship means that you are emotionally honest and allow your partner to know who you are. Without it, a marriage can end up full of vague statements and half-truths, withholding real feelings and thoughts.
Everybody has told some sort of lie at some point in time, and sometimes, people even lie to themselves. Whether man or woman, people lie to protect themselves or the person they are lying to. For some, lying is easier than facing the consequences of their mistakes. Unfortunately, small lies usually lead to bigger lies, and when the person realizes that their lies are protective, they engage in a pattern of lying.
How lying and dishonesty affect relationships.
Unfortunately, lying and dishonesty are not uncommon and come in many forms. They first jeopardize trust and then damage the relationship. Here, I will list some of the effects that dishonesty has on relationships and marriages.
It destroys trust. Trust is important to all relationships, and if partners don’t trust each other, their marriage cannot function. Trust is the basis for healthy communication. If there is no trust, partners cannot listen to anything they say to one another. It leads to bigger lies that can be hard to remember. The lies pile up, and when the truth comes out, it may be much more hurtful than the original lie. The longer the truth is hidden, the bigger the impact on your relationship will be, bringing into question every situation where the innocent partner believed and trusted the culpable partner. It damages intimacy, which is based on trust, authenticity, and vulnerability. It creates distance between partners. The guilty individual employs avoidance coping mechanisms to avoid intimacy and confrontation from their partner, leading to distancing within the relationship. It makes the innocent partner feel confused, angry, needy, and suspicious. The guilty individual develops resentment to justifying their actions and thus becomes critical, irritable, and even aggressive. It may lead to stress and other health problems. It will create doubt between the partners and the relationship will suffer from low self-esteem and loss of trust
Repairing your marriage after lying and dishonesty.
The most destructive part of a dishonest relationship is when one partner discovers the other’s lies, then allows them to continue. This reinforces their partner’s behavior by making lying acceptable. The first step in restoring trust in your relationship is to find out why your partner is lying or being dishonest.
People lie for many reasons. It is possible that a person is lying because they feel insecure within their relationship. In other cases, though, lying can kill a marriage, especially when infidelity is involved. Trust is shattered and it is almost impossible to restore it. Marriage coaching can definitely help when lying and dishonesty are the main concerns in your marriage. Although it can be challenging and emotionally stressful, that doesn’t mean that a marriage cannot be saved when both partners are committed to the process. It takes time and effort to recreate the sense of safety you need for your marriage to continue to grow, and relationship coaching will aim to heal this trauma.
It is important to complete five steps in overcoming this obstacle and renewing your marriage based on a new, healthy relationship:
Knowing the details. Each coin has two sides. It is important for the guilty partner to be honest and give clear answers to any questions. This will give the innocent partner a better understanding of the situation.
Releasing the anger. Lying and dishonesty lead to mental, emotional, and physical problems. It is important for you both to express your feelings, especially anger and resentment.
Showing commitment. You may question your commitment to the marriage and wonder if it is worth saving. Both partners should act with empathy, share their emotions, and ask for or grant forgiveness. Both partners need to understand the process of moving ahead and need to stay committed to doing what it takes for the marriage work.
Rebuilding trust. You and your partner will need to set specific goals to get your marriage back on track. You need to understand that healing takes time and requires forgiveness, openness, awareness, and commitment. You will both need to let go of the past and forgive (or be forgiven). You need to be open to self-growth and to your and your partner’s feelings and thoughts. Finally, both partners need to genuinely want it to work.
The guilty partner then needs to modify their behavior and not repeat any past dishonest behaviors. Moving forward, they need to be open and sincere and work to understand why the bad behavior occurred in the past. They need to take responsibility for their actions and decisions.
At the same time, the innocent partner will work on understanding what went wrong in the relationship before the lying and dishonesty took place. It is necessary for them to provide positive reinforcement and consistent feedback to their partner for the positive things that make them happy.
While it seems that there is a lot of independent work to do, partners need to listen to each other and work together to heal their relationship. Partners who commit to rebuilding trust need to treat their relationship like it is a completely new one. Both of you must express their thoughts, needs, and wants instead of expecting their partner to know. Furthermore, it is important not to withhold trust in the new relationship and not repeat the same mistakes. Withholding trust, thoughts, and emotions out of fear will prevent the partners from reconnecting with each other.
Marriage coaching for lying and dishonesty.
You and your partner can definitely work toward rebuilding a healthier, happier, and more honest relationship through the steps listed above. At the same time, a professional marriage coach can help you process everything that happened and help both partners move forward. You and your partner need to be open to seeking marriage coaching so you can clearly understand what caused your trust to be broken the first time.
Marriage and relationship coaching can answer your questions and help you and your partner address your needs. A professional coach will create a safe environment in which you can express your frustrations and feelings. A marriage coach is a supportive listener, listening to both sides share how they feel about the lying and dishonesty that occurred. They can help partners learn about their needs and goals. The couple may then choose to work towards repairing the marriage or end it. A marriage coach can further help if the couple decides to save their marriage. He or she can then help you better understand each other and find new ways of communicating.
Marriage coaching can also help partners understand what each other is feeling and allow them to listen and to be heard. Marriage coaching can also decrease emotional reactivity and reduce impulsive expression, helping partners communicate their messages in a healthy way. In fewer words, coaching can improve your communication skills and provide you the necessary tools to restore trust and intimacy, and allow your relationship to grow.
Because marriage coaching assesses a relationship, it gives the partners the ability to keep track of their progress to make sure that they are on the right track. If you are experiencing lies and dishonesty in your marriage, it is time to seek professional help. If both you and your partner are willing to put in the work and the effort, marriage coaching will help you discover new ways to express yourselves openly, truthfully, and productively, rebuild trust, and grow strong and healthy together.
Research:
A study by the sociologist Bella DePaulo from the University of Virginia claims that some lying is necessary for everyday life.Experts believe that the sooner the full truth comes out, the better.Experts claim that married people lie to one another, on average, in one out of every 10 interactions.Post-divorce research studies cite dishonesty during marriage as one of the leading causes for divorce.
Each case of lying is unique. Thinking ahead about the consequences of our actions and the potential damage from lying require self-awareness, but can prevent the unnecessary suffering of our loved ones.Statistics.
Research shows that alcohol and substance abuse co-occurs in 40-60% of cases of partner abuse. On top of that, men who have alcohol problems have a 60-70% chance of suffering from sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and lack of sexual desire. This is evident in a study from the University of Granada in Spain, which found that men who abused drugs and alcohol suffered from impaired sexual functioning.
Research.
A review of outcome research on marital and family approaches to treatment for alcoholism found that people who received behavioral marriage/relationship coaching reported less drinking and fewer alcohol-related problems at a 12-month follow-up, compared to people who received only individual treatment. Couples receiving behavioral marriage/relationship coaching reported an improvement in their relationship and higher levels of satisfaction. Research on marriage/relationship coaching has shown that this approach produces greater overall results, more abstinence from alcohol or other substances, and improved relationship functioning.
References:
Depaulo BM, Kashy DA, Kirkendol SE, Wyer MM, Epstein JA. Lying in everyday life. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1996;70(5):979-995. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.70.5.979.
Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169-188.
Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463.
Loenstein, L. F. (2005). Causes and associated features of divorce as seen by recent research. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 42(3-4), 153-171.
Meyer, P. (2011). Liespotting: Proven techniques to detect deception. New York: NY: St. Martin’s Griffin.
Street CNH, Vadillo MA. Commentary: Can Ordinary People Detect Deception after All? Front Psychol. 2017;8:1789. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01789.
Tyler, J. M. (2006). The price of deceptive behavior: Disliking and lying to people who lie to us. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42(1), 69-77.